Dee's Story - A Mosaic of Experiences
The mosaic of experiences I have had has lead me to today and although I’m not proud of all the choices I have made along the way, I am proud of the person I am today.
When I first tried Percocet, I got sick. I didn’t enjoy it. However it was my then partner’s nightly routine - clock strikes 9 pm we take 2 pills and enjoy our evening-high. So after a few rough evenings of becoming ill, my body was now acclimated to the drug. For me it didn’t take long to start rolling over into day use. By two months of nightly use I was sneaking 1 pill in the morning. I didn’t want to even tell my partner that I was using during the day. I was able to maintain this for a few months. However for financial reasons I needed to let my partner know I was taking a pill in the morning, another one by 2 pm and then again around 6 pm. Then to take an additional 3 pills at 9 pm to actually feel a buzz.
At that time I started to majorly withdrawal from my family and friends. I told everyone I was sick most days and trying to figure out with my GP what was happening. By the time I was using for a year most of my contact was just with my partner and work. I would mainly use text messaging to avoid talking with my family or friends. I don’t know what the final straw was, but two years after I started, I broke it off with that partner, told my Mom what was going on and reached out to local resources. It was hard for everyone but it wasn’t even close to being over.
For the next year I struggled - I lost my job, was arrested for assault, and was constantly running out of pills so I would be withdrawing off and on frequently. This cycle continued until I agreed to my mother’s offer of help to find me a way to detox and attend rehab. In Manitoba at the time there were no withdrawal support services available so once I got my bed date for rehab, I was expected to arrive detoxed. My mother and I made a plan for me to detox on her couch. I was no stranger to detoxing as I did try a few times before so I knew what I was in for but not to the extent. I would only agree to 3 days before rehab even though 7 was suggested. My mom would hold my hair, change my bucket and tell me I am worthy of love even when I asked why she would do this as I was a loser addict that would never be able to stop. She didn’t care what I had done, she cared that I needed someone loving in that moment. I will always think of the look on her face. It is imprinted in my mind.
When the day came, we got in her car and traveled the 2.5 hours to St. Rose. She allowed me to smoke cannabis in her car as that was the “deal” that I was still going to use cannabis after rehab as I felt I needed a safety net. I knew when she let me smoke in her non smoking car that she was going to be there for me in ways that I needed her to be, even though she may not agree. While in rehab the first few days I called my mother A LOT, I swore at her and told her I’m this way because of her. She listened, never arguing my vicious words. I wanted to leave and leave right then, she told me to stay. I didn’t listen and was able to get one of my friends to drive me home.
I arrived back at home with only a week of rehab under my belt. I did have an action plan of utilizing cannabis and my resources and support network. I had to sign a form with CFS (Children & Family Services) stating if I used Percocet again I would lose custody of my four children. I slowly started taking better care of myself. Mentally, physically, spiritually and intellectually. My family relationships began to flourish again. I started to see where I was at fault for my actions and even if there are childhood traumas, I now understand it is my responsibility to heal the parts of me that are effecting me today.
I do struggle with intrusive thoughts and I do still go to one on one counselling to help me deal with all of my mental health not just substance abuse disorder. I utilize my support networks and I know that I am worth being here and present not only for me but for others. I am proud to be able to say I haven’t used opiates in over 4 years and am committed to being a person in Recovery.
Dee Taylor-John, Manitoba