Stop Calling Us Names .. BLOG Kathleen Cochran
Want to know how you can support a parent/friend/relative who has a child suffering with substance use disorder?
STOP SHAMING. Stop calling us names and telling us what to do. STIGMA KILLS.
Please don’t call us “ENABLERS”.
This idea implies that one person has some level of control over another’s behaviors- and that one person is partly responsible or to blame for the substance use of another. This enabling idea suggests that our decisions are to blame for our child’s addiction. Or, that if we withheld resources - this would be the reason that our child would stop drug use. That somehow our decisions make it, so our children are unable to choose for themselves. It literally is saying that one person is the puppet of another. We simply do not have this kind of power. It’s nonsense.
Please don’t tell us to let them “HIT ROCK BOTTOM”.
This is a terrible and frankly an unethical notion. Rock Bottom can backfire, and it really can result in death. Also, this notion implies that there is nothing to be done but sit around and wait. Research shows that a loved one’s positivity leads to better outcomes. People start to change a behavior any time they perceive its costs outweigh its benefits. Loved ones can play a positive role in making that happen. People would have you believe that only desperation, household upheaval, violence and overdose would be enough to start change. That’s just not true. And it also implies that people won’t change unless they are punished enough. Family and friends don’t have to step aside and watch their loved one suffer. We don’t have to wait around until our loved ones have done so much damage - that there is no coming back from it. The key to supporting people living with an addition is in fact the exact opposite of letting them “hit rock bottom”. Let’s instead move the bottom up so that we can bring people closer to reaching their full potential.
Please don’t call us “CODEPENDENT”.
According to the Webster Dictionary, codependency is "a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition.” So, does this mean that we get some psychological benefit from keeping our addicted loved one addicted? Like we are getting something out of it? More nonsense.
Please don’t tell us to practice “TOUGH LOVE”.
According to the Webster Dictionary, tough love is: “love or concern that is expressed in a strict way, especially to make someone behave responsibly”. A strict way? What does that mean? Make a person behave responsibly? How is that even possible? How are we able to make anyone behave in any way? A person’s behavior is the responsibility of that person and that person alone. Our all-consuming, unconditional love won’t stop addiction, so why do we believe “tough love” will? More nonsense.
Remember addiction is defined as compulsive drug use that continues despite negative consequences. The problem is not an absence of suffering--but a deficit of hope and alternatives. If stigma, isolation and being ostracized fought addition, we wouldn’t be having the worst overdose crisis in history.
Kathleen Cochran
Kathleen Cochran
