Control is an Illusion

For years, since my son stopped ‘dabbling’ with substances and his opiate use has become a way of life, I have asked (begged) the universe for assistance, for his safety, for the wisdom to say the right words, for someone to come into his life and influence him to choose recovery, for him to have some kind of awakening….. the things that I thought would save him and shift the fear and anxiety that surrounded me daily. 

For the same amount of years I have been quoting to myself and others the three C’s - “I didn’t create it, I can’t change it, I don’t control it”. I believed those words in my brain, but clearly not in my heart. After a long journey I have come to the realization that by asking for those things I still believed I had some kind of control over the situation. That I might magically change my son’s destiny if I put enough energy into it.  That I could somehow influence the ‘universe’ to transform him. 

When my life became unmanageable, my relationships and mental health were effected, I realized that I had a choice. I could continue to put all of my energy into ‘saving’ my son or I could focus on getting emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually healthy myself, with the hope that my son would not feel that deep shame when he looked into my worried eyes and that I might find some peace.   

I had tried everything except surrendering my illusion of control, so I began to ask the universe for things to unfold as they should. To help me accept the things I cannot change and focus on what I can do. It didn’t happen overnight. I wasn’t even aware of the changes at first, but over the last few months doors have closed, windows have opened and, although nothing has changed in my son’s life, things are changing in mine. My family has drawn closer because they see the change in me, my marriage has gotten stronger because I have put more energy into it, I have reassessed what I can/cannot take on and learned how to say “no” and I have devoted time each day to what I need. Journalling, creating, being in nature, walking my dog, being with my grandchildren. The things that brought me peace and joy had been eliminated by my desperate need to fix what I couldn’t.  

John Lennon once said “Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans”. I believe that life only happens if you allow it.  

I like to compare it to listening underwater for the sounds of the whales.  If there is noise around me or in my head I won’t hear their songs, but if I am still and patient their songs come through and soothe me. It is not easy to be patient and there are no guarantees I will hear the whales, but if I remain open to it there is a possibility. That possibility is what keeps me believing that surrender is the best option.  

Wanda LeBlanc

BC Support Group Coordinator 

MSTH