Self-Compassion

SELF-COMPASSION 

What is this self inside us, this silent observer 

Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us 

And urge us on to futile activity 

And in the end, judge us still more severely 

For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us? 

T.S. Eliot, the Elder Statesman 

Having compassion for ourselves is so important when we are dealing with the chaos of a loved one’s substance use. Much of Western culture teaches us to be strong and carry on with life. If we are dealing with stress, anxiety and/or grief we rarely take the time to be kind to ourselves. When the pain comes from self-judgement it is even harder. 

Finding others who have similar experience is important. Everyone needs support and understanding, regardless of the circumstances. We all need a safe space to talk about the challenges and heartaches we face, the shame and/or guilt we might feel, the stigma we (and our loved one) are subjected to, the constant worry, and more. Although there are differences in our experiences, there are more commonalities. Often we have more compassion for others than we do for ourselves. 

According to author Kristin Neff, Phd, in her well known book called Self Compassion, ‘….self-compassion entails three core components. First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgemental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness - that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it. We must achieve and combine these three essential elements in order to be truly self-compassionate.’ 

Self-compassion is a powerful tool for dealing with difficult emotions. It can free us from the destructive cycle of emotional reactivity that so often rules our lives. By changing the way we relate to ourselves and our lives, we contribute to our emotional stability and give ourselves rest. Start with self-care. Go for a walk in nature, do something creative that you enjoy, read a book, meet a friend for tea/coffee, join a support group, listen to an uplifting podcast, get a massage, take a nap, breathe deeply. If you nurture your body it will calm your mind. Sometimes, if I am feeling too overwhelmed to do anything else, I will wrap myself in a blanket and sit outside. Just the smell of the air and the sound of the birds is nurturing. 

Do one thing that comforts you today. Make a list if you like, but commit to taking moments that are just for you. This seems like a simple concept but it can make a significant difference in your mental well-being and resilience during this difficult time in your life. You are worthy. 

Wanda LeBlanc 

Holding Hope Facilitator